This is my first posting. I’ve decided to write this blog as: anonymous. I can tell myself it is protect the innocent, or the guilty for that matter, but the truth is I am protecting me. I am embarrased. You see I am a MESS, a total wreck, emotionally, mentally and physically. Too embarrassed to write the truth under my real name because to do so would expose me as the fraud I am.
You see, out there in the REAL world, I wear many masks, I come across as being strong, of having it together, but that is far from the truth.
What is the truth? That is what I am hoping to discover. Who the fuck am I anyway? The cliche of “finding yourself”….am I? Finding myself I mean? Which self? The old me, the new me, the pretend me? Me version 3.0?
So, I am calling this “The Project” and the truth. The truth is Life Isn’t Fair. Here I am in my forties and I am finally coming to realize that life really isn’t fair.
Where did it begin? That ultimate excuse, that amazing scapegoat of “That’s Not fair!” We as a society cling to it at an early age, yet all the signs point in the complete opposite direction.
That one is prettier, that one is smarter, that one is richer, that one….and I whine, I whine “that’s not fair!”
I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Not so much out-loud; but certainly in my behaviour. Every single time I consciously or subconsciously sabotage myself.
Hard pill to swallow, that life isn’t fair, and that maybe you will never be beautiful no matter how hard we try, never to be petite, never be young again….and god help me even as I write this it hurts, maybe I will never be ‘sexy’ again, or worse, maybe I was never sexy.
I want to scream and yell and blame society, after all you told me if I try I can be anything. You told me if I don’t give up my dreams will come true. You LIED. You are a fucking liar.
Because I HAVE been trying. I’ve tried and tried. That is the worst part, if I haven’t tried than I get it, after all you reap what you sow right?
Oh there have been moments, moments where I appear to be successful, to have it together, to be skinny, to be confident and think YES- yes I did it. Sometimes those moments are for a year, for a week, for a day….but then it happens, it always seems to happen.
Just when I think I have defeated that little fucker, that dark spot in the pit of my stomach it comes back. Sneaky like that, little cunt!
Yes, I used the “c” word. And yes I am angry as hell and this blog will bare witness to all my emotions.
I wear the masks very well, or at least I think I do. But maybe like the picture above, I am a fish in a bowl. Not really tricking anyone at all. Only myself.
I may post 10 times a day, I may post once a month- I have no idea, I only know I need to get it out, all this ‘stuff’ inside me.
You will want to judge me as you read this, I get that, after all don’t we all Judge, even if we trick ourselves into believing we are better than that? Some of you won’t believe that I am writing this for me, after all i MUST want the attention that is why I am doing it in a public forum such as a blog. Some of you will want to “fix” me- you will think you have the answer, drugs, God, if only I did this, or that. Fixing is what we try to do to make ourselves needed.
But here is the truth- don’t try and fix me, I need to FIX myself. I need to discover the truth, I need to stop using the excuse of “that’s not fair”
Judge me as you will, but you don’t know me, and I decide to do this project in a public forum because as alone as I feel, maybe, just maybe there is someone out there that is as fucked up as I am, and by reading this and seeing the struggles, and hopefully the accomplishments that they realize that they aren’t alone.
And see that…life isn’t fair, and I need to get use it, but more importantly I need to come to terms with how to deal with it, and deal with that dark spot in the pit of my stomach…once and for all.
PS- Yes, I am sure there will be spelling mistakes, grammar issues..etc. etc…. deal with it.
Life Isn't Fair 