There is an old saying that says ” The road to hell is paved with good intentions” I tried to see where this saying originated, and there is a debate between Saint Bernard of Clairvaux who wrote (c. 1150), “L’enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs” (hell is full of good wishes and desires); Virgil’s Aeneid: “facilis descensus Averno (It is easy to go to hell) or was it Samuel Johnson as so many believe?
No matter who said it, the meaning is what is important, at least in my case. I have the intention to undertake good actions but nevertheless fail to follow though, something always seems to hold me back. Of course some say that this inaction is simply procrastination, laziness or some other subversive vice. But I call bullshit, I think it is much deeper than that.
I use to think it was because I would get bored easily. I would have a fire in my belly, be all gung-ho and ready to embark on the new adventure, be it a craft, something new to learn or a career, I become so absorbed it the beginning, but somewhere along the way I become frustrated and angry and just throw up my hands in defeat. My home is littered with half done projects; I tell myself I am going to finish it, that I am going to cross that fucking finish line and stick it out. But I don’t.
I will learn all there is to learn, I will give it my all-but after a few months in, I am ready to move on to something else. The fire dies, I am not motivated, it’s not working out the way I planned, the way it should.
Laziness? I don’t think so, I truly try, believe I am going to finish, my intent is always to do so. That this time; this time I will do it. I will be happy and satisfied, I will NOT sabotage myself, I will finish.
The problem is in my head the result is different, in my heart and head I see the end result, I see the skirt I want to sew, or the garden I want to make, I thought I made a good choice this time with where I am working, that this JOB, will be different.
But reality is very different from my vsion. I soon realize I am back in the same dysfunctional environment career wise, I see that once again that hobby isn’t holding my attention or it doesn’t feel right. Once again I scrap it, or don’t finish it, or move on to the next thing.
I am embarrassed because I failed, I failed myself again and the feelings of uselessness, the feeling of ‘Why the fuck can’t you ever do anything right!’ hit me and I can’t deal with it, so I can push it aside.
Why do I let that negative self talk sabotage me? Why don’t I pay attention to the red flags before I take that job? Why? Because in my messed up head I hear the words of my X ; who was abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically. He would always say “Who do you think you are? You’re white trash and you think you can out do me? You think you can…”
I know it is bullshit, I know he was a whack job that was insecure because I was smarter, and one day would figure out that he was an abusive asshole, I know it and I try to fight it, sometimes I don’t even realize it is happening, or why it’s happening. Than I just get pissed off, pissed off that I have failed myself on so many levels. I tell myself I am not the victim, I tell myself to FIGHT, I tell myself NOT to let him win, or have any control over me. I believe in my heart and soul that I have won, that I know longer believe that bullshit but I guess I do, I guess deep down it is still there and I don’t know how to get rid of it, I let myself down again and I slip deeper into the cold dark cave.
So why do I give up? Because when it doesn’t go right, I think- he was right, and in my spirit, I can’t allow him to be right. I know that is messed up, I know if I just pay attention to the signs or finish that I WIN, but I can’t. I don’t know how.
“My project”- this journey is my final attempt to move forward and finally kill that darkness inside me.
Happiness is not always a “choice”! What a lie that is!! I choose to be happy, I deserve to be happy, I WANT to be happy. I’ve taken the steps towards happiness, yet here I am, all over again…
Broken
Life Isn't Fair 