Investment

In my last blog posting….”blog” does not see exactly correct here, lets say “open journal’

Open because it is in a public forum, of course that would mean someone might read it- he he, and I am not expecting that, I think in a world of millions of blogs and websites I am safe writing this and never having another reader.

LOL- okay back to my point, in my last posting I wrote about my intentions to finish something and as I wrote I realized the reason why I didn’t. Why I quit. In my head and heart I believed that if I quit, than that dark spot in me that still would sink it’s fangs in me couldn’t be proved right. If I didn’t finish the project because it wasn’t turning out like the picture, or the image in my head, than that ugly voice couldn’t whisper ‘see, I told you- who do you think you are?”

Messed up I agree. It took me a little while to process that, and for me to face that truth. Took longer to cut myself some slack.

I still haven’t ‘finished’ anything, and I quit my job, lol- ironic I know, but I quit my job because I realized I put myself in a toxic environment on purpose, again, thus giving me a reason to quit,I am very good at self-justification. I haven’t finished a project yet because I know I’m not ready.

Both healthy choices. A step forward.

Which brought up “investment”

I looked around my place yesterday, really looked. It is a crappy apartment, with crappy furniture, there is only one piece of furniture in the entire place I could be proud of. The walls are bare, or shit-asss cheap  crap are hung on the walls.

I looked at the guy I am with, really looked. That ‘story’ is a separate posting or ten…and realized he doesn’t invest in the apartment, he only invests in us when he thinks he has too. He’d rather invest in HIM, things that make his personal image look good on the outside, covering up the insecurities on the inside, the clothes, the shoes, the right booze, the right…whatever…. and I was pissed.

Pissed- now that seems to be my normal state of mind, and I wonder, was I ever happy? Is happiness a myth? A trick?

But to be fair, and to be brutally honest with myself which is what this is all about, I had to ask myself- what do I invest in? Books that I never read? Cheap fashion jewelry?  Materials for crafts I never finish? FarmVille 2?

Do I invest in my health?  No Do I invest in my dreams? No- hell I don’t even know if I have any dreams anymore! Do I invest in making the apartment nicer? No- Half the time I can’t even find the motivation to clean it! I blame being sick, being exhausted, being stressed, all very true, not just ‘excuses- but “justifications”- reasons for me to do what I do instead of facing the truth. Do I invest in the relationship? Not anymore, the hurt is too much, the cheating and the lies. The pretending, His-mine.

Do I invest my money wisely? No. I spend it on the disposable, temporary items, none of them are permanent- because I am always waiting. Waiting for someone or something to come rescue me. Waiting for answers, waiting for a saviour, waiting for someone to say “It’s going to be okay- and actually MEAN it!”

I am 49 years old and I have never had an orgasim. {With someone else}  Never had a true friend, never held unto happiness for more than a few minutes at a time.

You know what I realized? I am so quick to blame someone else. I am always waiting….waiting…and guess what? That saviour is ME. It is the person looking in the mirror! If I could invest in that person, forgive that person, start to like that person, maybe my waiting would be over.

I’m scared. I tried before, and I quit. I don’t think I can handle another set back. More than my fear is the realization of time passing me by. I can’t be 20 again, or even 30. Will I be 59-69-79 and still be waiting? Except by than the only thing that I would be waiting for is death, the ultimate “quit”

-sigh- that’s pretty grim.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall–it’s going to be okay!”

Right?